Tips to "Hold Space" When Someone Has Mentioned Suicide

By Cait Maddan

When someone confides in you about their suicidal thoughts (ideations), it may catch you off-guard, feel heavy or confusing, which in turn can lead to feeling unsure on how to proceed with talking. However, it's essential to know how to respond compassionately, offering them the support they need without fueling their emotional distress. It’s important to remember they have been courageous and vulnerable in coming forward with their feelings which is often met with judgment, punishment, and shame. This article presents four tips to "hold space" when someone has mentioned suicide.

1. Do Not Panic

When they trust you enough to be vulnerable with their thoughts and feelings, it's crucial not to panic. Panic is reactionary and means you are moving too fast. It’s important to get centered in your body and mind before having conversation.

Grounding techniques can be done in a number of different ways so it’s important to check in with your capacity on how much centering you need before proceeding. The old airplane safety adage of, “put your mask on first then help the person next to you” is key. If you are unable to get centered be sure to find someone to support you in this conversation that is centered.

It’s, also, vital to understand that talking about their emotions will not hasten a death. Them bringing it forward is a sign of trust and an attempt for support and care. They're not seeking your panic but your understanding and support. So, stay calm, listen attentively, and let them know they're not alone.

2. Turn Off Judgements

Leave your judgments at the door. Showing up grounded and present in your body is more important than being concerned with the “to-do’s” and events of the day. By doing so you create the safe space this is needed, where they can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of being judged.

On top of negating a fear of judgment, is eliminating the fear of punishment. The majority of people living with suicidality have experienced at one point or another, some indicator, that they are not safe to share these feelings they live alongside up to and including forced incarceration or institutionalization.

With the reality that the baseline for mental health, in the states, is not wanting to wake up, it leaves us asking why the deep silence? Suicidism, coined by Alexandre Baril, which is the oppression and criminalization of people who live with suicidality is responsible for this sticky web.

3. Avoid Giving Advice

It's natural to want to give advice, especially when someone is suffering. But when it comes to someone expressing suicidal thoughts, your role is more simple: listen to understand what is being expressed, not to respond.

Of course, you can respond with kind remarks such as, “Your feelings are valid”, “I’m glad you shared how you have been feeling with me”, “Your pain makes sense”, and anything that is not centering your personal perceptions.

Phrases such as, “You’ll feel better if you do x,y,z”, “I wish you wouldn’t talk like that it could be worse”, or “You already told me that and I don’t know what you expect me to do” are not helpful and can inflict more unnecessary pain.

Your role is to be there for them, to offer a caring and non-judgmental listening ear, rather than to solve their problems for them. Sometimes there aren’t solutions; as Dandelion.Hill on IG says “When the world is burning community is all we have”; when it all feels on fire not being alone with it all IS the solution. This is not the time for unsolicited advice or personal bias.

4. Remember to Take Breaks

Or set a timer. Talking for long periods of time can be draining on both people and can be avoided with clear communication. If they need to finish sooner for their well-being, that's okay. Remember, this is about their comfort and their needs, not centering your own. That’s not to negate your needs rather to expand your ability to hold both your needs and their needs.

Regular breaks can also help you maintain your emotional balance and provide better support. Conversations about suicide are never easy, but they are necessary. By keeping these four guidelines in mind, you can provide meaningful and effective support to someone in crisis and/or living alongside recurring suicidality. Remember, your role isn't to solve their problems, but to help them feel heard, understood, and less alone.

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If you found this article helpful, feel free to share it with a friend, or save it for later, and then download your free guide on How To Hold Space For Suicide Talk! Your willingness to try and understand can make a significant difference in someone's life. Stay informed, stay compassionate, and remember, you're not alone in this either.

@cait.deatheducation